As you can probably tell by the title of this post I am up at 4 am starting a blog post. I don’t know its direction yet. Lately I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with God, my ex-boyfriend, my best friend, my friends here, my purpose and my temperament.
I feel weirdly content at this particular moment though. Happily, about to chronicle my weakest moments with no shame nor reservation. Okay so firstly, My relationship with God.
I feel really strongly about my relationship with God. it is the most important relationship in my life and it feeds every other relationship in my life. For about six months in the first half of the year I felt like I was letting God down, not studying the Word like I should. I couldn’t bring myself to pray, not even for other people, which is one of my favourite things to do. I was at my worst basically. Which is pretty bad because I am a Sunday school teacher and I need to ensure I am ready, at any point, to answer any question or deal with any problem, using the word of God. Today things are pretty good. And I find myself looking back at that time, realising that I was letting regret and guilt keep me from being happy. You see, I used to suffer from a chronic inability to forgive myself. I’m pretty sure you can relate to this, because as it turns out, so do half my friends (Yes, I see you Tshego and Lerato *insert smirk emoji*) I remember a conversation I had with my friend Nicole, at her house, while staring myself square in the face in her mirror (I was doing my makeup, it’s nothing quite as deep as it sounded :D) she was basically telling me to take it easy on myself and let the regret and guilt go. And I realised that, as hard as it may be, and as much as we may want to wallow in the feeling of remorse, it serves us, and the people around us better to just ask for forgiveness and move on with our lives. Staying in a state of depression will not change anything, nor will it make anyone feel any better about anything. This applies to our relationship with God. Just because you are sorry you did something, does not mean you have to sit and cry about it for an entire century (allow the exaggeration, it’s for effect). What God wants from us is repentance, to simply ask for forgiveness, vowing to never make that same mistake again, and moving on.
I genuinely believe, letting go of regret is part of repentance. God doesn’t want us to remind him of our sins after he has forgiven us and blotted them away from us. He doesn’t want to still feel guilty about it after we have asked for forgiveness. He is constantly having to tell me to move on and forget about it because the human in me just wants to apologise a thousand times. Which, by the way, means absolutely nothing to him. He is not moved by our guilt, or our remorse. He is moved by a repentant heart. And like I said before, part of repentance, is knowing when to stop apologising for the same mistake. Probably the seventh time is when you need to stop, or if you’re like me, the 70th time: D.
I have typing cramps already from the little I have typed. Like you know when you’re reading a book and you have to keep changing your positions because for some weird reason your body doesn’t want to stay in the same reading position for an entire 3 hours *rolls eyes*? Yup, that’s what I’m going through right now, except I have only been typing for about 15 minutes and I’m on my bed, which means I basically have to crouch down to see my screen (tall people problems). Okay not to completely divert, but why do tall people (myself included) complain about the pains of their height, like we’ve been short before and we know it’s better than being tall? Like you don’t know what it’s like being short, stop complaining, short people have problems too. Even if it is easier for them to get up, or do sit ups, or touch their toes.
Let me practice what I preach, and move on with this post. In the past couple of months, especially during the time I was on Instagram (I don’t know why I even attempted to do that), I was thinking about (and stalking) my ex-boyfriend. That was part of the guilt I suffered from. I kinda sucked at being his girlfriend. I was pretty selfish. But then again, before you judge (too late?), I had to go through that. So anyways, I don’t want to detail our relationship because, that would be unfair on him. So yeah, that was one of the things I struggled with. We don’t talk anymore, which sucks because he is awesome to talk to. Having to deal with that and learning to accept my faults and move on with my life was pretty hard. Especially when you start seeing the person’s Instagram, and they look pretty happy and content without you. And he was the only reason I joined that darn social network anyway, I just wanted to keep in touch, and he wouldn’t talk to me, which is okay because he has a girlfriend, and that’s a noble thing to do. So yeah, anyways, I almost forgot about the entire reason I broke up with him, and the fact that, it needed to happen, because I was so caught up in guilt and regret. And in as much as I sucked at being in a relationship at the time, breaking up was the most unselfish thing I ever did. It was something that had to happen. And I almost allowed regret and guilt make me forget that it was important for him too, for us to have broken up.
Another weird thing that happened to me regarding this whole thing, is that I fell in love with his girlfriend. Like how weird is that? She is so cool guys. And she likes the outdoors and she paints and stuff. I almost followed her on Instagram, but that would have been weird. She really is the coolest person. And I am glad that he found someone that awesome. Because he definitely deserves that.
Okay, so bad grammar aside with that last paragraph, I find that I am back in my comfort zone of being alone. I just cannot think of being in a relationship right now. I really truly believe, that at the right time it will happen. But right now I feel like a relationship would be a distraction from what and who God is calling me to be. I am having such a great time discovering my purpose. And I have grown so much since my high school, woe is me, I am single days. I don’t know why I ever thought being single was bad. Like I am single now, and even talking to a guy feels like wasted time (of course I mean flirting). I am probably still guarded, because that’s who I will always be. But I really find that it is more important for me to be a great servant before I am a great girlfriend, fiancé or wife. I am excited about what’s happening in my life right now. I am terrified at the same time. I feel like James bond, living on the edge, living life on trusting God alone and simply choosing the joy of my salvation (which, Thank God, has been restored unto me).
So, please don’t let regret or guilt change you or cause you to do things you don’t need to do. God wants you to have Joy and peace of mind. Simply, repent and MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. And always remember that His grace, truly is sufficient for you. Have a great week and love one another . I am going back to bed now. see ya later. And God bless you
(this is a repost from 2016)